Top Ten Most Unconvincing Film and TV Hardmen

10. David Jason – In anything

David Jason isn’t hard, David Jason isn’t hard, the only person who thinks David Jason is hard seems to be David Jason, and he isn’t hard. For how long has the British licence payer had to suspend its belief in reality so Jason act up as Del Boy, menace as Frost, or sumo wrestle with Ma Larkin’s giant tits in Darling Buds. Even streak of piss Rodders Lyndhurst was starting to roll his eyes in the later Christmas specials.





9.Ray Daley (Gary Webster) – Minder

The Tucie household sat around our 8 inch black and white TV in great anticipation as Gary Webster attempted to fill Waterman’s massive size seven shoes, as martial arts expert Ray Daley in the latest instalment of West London comedy drama caper Minder. My dad sat ashen faced at the end of the first episode of the new series. ‘He simply isn’t credible’ he said. ‘Why the fcuk didn’t they go for Jacko out of Brush Strokes??’. Then he beat the living shit out of me for bugger all. One of the best nights of my life.

8. Robert McCall (Edward Woodward) – The Equaliser

After turning down Britt Eckland’s prime muff sandwich in The Wickerman, it was always going to be a stretch for an ageing Woo War to take on the role of vigilante Robert McCall in The Equaliser, and in the process, the cream of New York’s criminal fraternity. Particularly as McCall’s only offensive move was the arm lock delivered in an angry voice without swearing. Not that most of the people he helped problems could not have been solved with an extra hundred quid. Like a typical Scotsman, McCall elected to smash things up and cause trouble rather than put his hands in his pockets. Luckily the show was show too late for anyone to notice. ‘Got a problem? Odds against you? Call The Equaliser 212 555 4200’ Oh bollocks, some old cnut in a Jags just pulled up.

7. Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) – From Russia with Love
The only female to make the list is Spectre’s number one bull dyke Rosa Klump, an assassin with a penchant for poison laced spiked high heels, and tight young blonde Russian snatch. No shame in that, but she wasn’t fooling anyone. Why the hell Connery didn’t dispose with the chair he was using to deflect her kicks in their famous fight scene, and use his huge Scottish cock to monkey slap her ginger nut remains one of the great mysteries of modern film.





6. Bennett (Vernon Wells) – Commando

It’s not that Bennett doesn’t look quite hard, it’s just that he is so fundamentally over matched against a pomp Arnie. If he was getting drunk and causing trouble down the Waterhole in Neighbours, there is no doubt Lou would give jelly belly Bishop the nod to fetch Doug Willis from the building site. But, he is facing the most accomplished Commando in the world and clearly not up to the job. Granted, the string vest, camp moustache, and being a couple of pounds over weight doesn’t do him any favours. ‘Don’t need no gun John, don’t need no chicken shit gun John’. You probably do you fat prick.

5. Apollo Creed & Rocky Balboa (Carl Weathers & Sylvester Stallone) – Rocky III

The self styled Master of Disaster and the Italian Stallion cut a pretty convincing pair of tough guys in the first two outings of the Rocky franchise. By Rocky III things had taken a turn for the worse. A brutal spanking at the hands of ‘man with the gold’ Mr T, and the untimely death of trainer, mentor, and soon to be poltergeist Mickey, caused Rock to have a rethink about conditioning. In the bin went the grey tracksuit, and out came the lemon crop top, tight shorts, and running races across the beach, culminating in a rather homoerotic splashing scene. A luke warm Mickey must have been turning in his grave. You’re a bumm(er) Rocky.... Ding ding.

4. Requin (Brion James) – Tango and Cash

Through a combination shit middle of the road music, and marginally worse acting throughout the 1980’s
Phil Collins managed to redefine the role of unconvincing cockney villain. This was manifested no better than Brion Jones’ Collins inspired parrot impersonator Requin. ‘Well well well, if it ain’t me old muckers Tango and Cash, you’re a couple of wankers ain’t ya. Wankers, cunt, bollocks’. They could have got the real thing for an extra ten grand.

3. Mick ‘Crocodile’ Dundee (Paul Hogan) – Crocodile Dundee I - III
Smelly, middle aged, wise cracking antipodean wearing crappy cowboy boots, balls tight jeans, silly hat, and crocodile skin jacket comes to New York to try to slip his leathery old dick into journalist Linda Kozlowski ample pert ass. In the process takes on and beats an array of street robbers, pimps, and a particularly unconvincing Puerto Rican gang through a mixture of Aussie brawn and shitty one liners. ‘Call that a knife, that’s not a knife, this is a knife.’ No its not, it’s your stinky old convict nob that you haven’t washed for a week. Now fcuk off and get a bar job.

2. Dynamo (Erland Van Lidth De Jeude) – The Running Man

Following close calls with Professor Sub Zero, and chain saw wielding muscleman Buzzsaw, Arnie incarnation Ben Richards really must really feel he is in for a tough day. Fortunately help is at hand as arch villain Damon Killian foolishly deploys opera signing electro fat man Dynamo to dispose of his quarry. Sadly, Dynamo’s only act of dynamism appears to be in his ability to convert calories into body mass, which contributes to the up ending of his converted Sinclair C5. Not that Dynamo had any interest in killing Richards, as his primary preoccupation seems to be getting as many off camera sexual assaults in of female contestants as possible. Something else he also fails in.

1. Keisuke (Mr) Miyagi (Noriyuki Morita) – The Karate Kid

Miyagi spawned a generation of kids who waxed their dad’s car a couple of times, tied a white band around their heads, then proceeded to get the shit kicked out of them on the way to school. Miyagi’s character was more than suspect in many respects, and a little research from Daniel’s absentee mother would have no doubt located Miyagi on the local sex offenders register, citing a history of predatory behaviour towards teenage boys. Don’t worry about the kid fitting in, worry about the paedophile grooming him at the end of the road. The true meaning of the final fight scene, when Miyagi rubs his hands together to supposedly create enough friction to mend Daniel’s broken leg is often misinterpreted. In reality Miyagi is rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of finally busting into an incapacitated Danielsan’s pre-pubescent arsehole. A high price to pay for borrowing a shit old yellow motor to take your bird out.